I really really miss my ex!

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 I really really miss my ex-girlfriend.
Yes, I am man enough to admit it.
My life is so empty and boring without her.
She used to be my everything and so much more
I’m sitting here crying over her while getting drunk at a bar
Honey, I want you to know that I still love you…wherever you are.

I miss you, I miss it all
Now it’s just me and this glass of alcohol.
I miss all the arguments that we had
Because you were mean and stubborn as hell.
I miss the fights that we had when you came home late from work
How you punched me in the eye each and every time I called you a low class whore.
I miss how your fist felt against my face
and all the times we took our problems all the way to your workplace.

I still remember when you got mad because I crashed your new car into a tree.
I was so mad because you wouldn’t make love to me in the back of your leather car seat.
I remember how you got so enraged when you found out I did it intentionally
You tried to cut my dick off, despite it being the only thing that pleasured you sexually.

You never could catch me though, because I was faster than you
That’s why while I was sleeping you closed my urethra with superglue.
That was very painful dear, very painful indeed
That’s why I fucked your best friend and your sister the next year.
I also remember when you burned my house down because I threw all your books away
I was afraid you might have turned out smarter than me, making our love dissipate.
That day we slept romantically together in the neighbors’ backyard.
He wouldn’t let us in his home, because he thought were a couple of retards.

And of course you gotta remember the time you bought yourself a gun with my own money
That was right after I felt so deep in love with you, that I went down in front of you on one knee.
I was so scared to sleep next to you because you promised you were gonna blow my brains out
I called the cops on you to put you in jail, only that I missed you so much I had to bail you out.

It was very nice that you didn’t use that gun against me….
Except for that day I used hand grenades to kill you and your whole family.
You shot me four times that day, and sent me straight to the ER
Then you stayed the whole night taking care of me, even though the nurses thought it was bizarre.

I really miss you honey, my love for you will never end
I just wish I never listened to the advice of my stupid friend
She advised me to buy you chocolate and flowers on Valentine’s Day for a change
And that was the day you left me because you thought I was acting way too strange.

If by reading this you decide to return back to me
Please know that for a long time that has been my plea
But be advised that I’m also gonna stab you in the back with a knife
So that you never ever dare to walk away again out of my life!

Lionel Spratt

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